today I went to Anderson, to David’s home church. they were having a training day for the folks who would be working with their youth. the plan for the day was to get through child abuse policies/regulations (which I know inside/out because I worked in childcare with the government) and then through the theology and focus of their all-encompassing kids program, LOGOS (hehehe… pronounced “low-goss” at their church). it was an interesting day - lots of things to think about.

Dave’s dad asked me at the end if I could take any of what we talked about back to my church. I was stumped… my church is so different from theirs! for example, there is only one - count it - *one* unbroken family in my church. and they are missionaries home on a medical furlough. David’s church is a church full of healthy families. the approach taken with the kids, then, can be fundamentally different. the one thing that kept coming out, though, the one thing I can apply in my own life, as well as in the church, is to do the teaching through a relationship. instead of only offering words, preaching at the kids, in relationships, you can offer the example of a life lived for Christ… that’s powerful, and something to apply.

I’m struggling with balancing things. a lot.

I thought things were difficult in college - it was somtimes so difficult to find a balance between studies, friends, activities, and family. there was so much going on that I really had to learn to be intentional about what I did with my time.

I’m feeling overwhelmed like that again, only on a grander scale. there’s no finite end to the work I’m doing like there was to the school year. I can’t just pick up and start fresh after summer anymore - the choices I’m making now are going to last much longer than just until June.

here are some of the things I’m juggling, in no particular order.

roommate:

she’s more than a roommate. she’s become one of my closest friends. I want to be able to spend time with her, more than just watching an occasional movie or collapsing on the couch with her for a few minutes before I lose conciousness. I don’t spend weekends with her, and I’m rarely home before 7 on weeknights. my friendship with her is something I really want to develop - this could be one of those relationships that lasts a lifetime. we could be rockin’ next to each other on the nursing home porch someday. =)

boyfriend:

David and I have been together for almost 2 years, the vast majority of which has been over a significant distance. I’ve gotten used to having him as a regular, but infrequently in-person, part of my life. things have gotten more difficult since he moved to Anderson (only a few weeks ago). I thought it’d be wonderful to have him closer - and it *is*. I just don’t know how to arrange my life as it exists (already too crazy) to spend as much time with him as I now can and want to.

church:

this is one of the most important commitments I’ve ever made in my life. I was moved around a *lot* as a kid, and so didn’t have much say in where we went to church or for how long we stayed. if my parents committed, I was committed. now, at Woodruff Place, *I* have made the commitment to be a part of a body of believers. what does that mean? I don’t know - I’m still learning. I know that it means, at the very least, that I need to be there when the church meets. that’s why I’ve been having so much drama and indecision about the whole Wind Symphony thing - the Wednesday night Bible study is a major thing in my church. but… there are other meetings, too: Sunday morning worship, Sunday evening worship (during the summer - it’s about to end), and Saturday morning prayer meeting.

family:

I’m the first to leave home… it’s still a new thing to my family, and it’s certainly new to me! I want to be able to see them more often than I am. they live in Pennsylvania, and from Indianapolis, it’s a good 9-hour trek. I need to take part of a day off work and an entire weekend in order to get to spend time with them. also, my mother insists that I not come alone - so I have to find someone *else* to make a 9-hour trip with me.

friends:

I’m smack dab in the middle (hehe - that’s a song the TU Jazz Ensemble played when we toured the Bahamas) of so many friends! there are many who live in Indy that I see fairly regularly, some who’ve just moved here that I want to start spending time with, some who live in Upland that I don’t see nearly often enough, and others who live not too far away. really, in the grand scheme of things, Ft. Wayne, Evansville, and Lafayette aren’t far away at all! I just need a Saturday and I can visit folks for a good bit of time. but… I need that Saturday.

other things:

I want to have enough time to myself to do things like “girls’ night”s and spontaneous get-togethers with friends I don’t see enough of. I want to have time to really dive in and study the Bible and theology on my own, to read the classics and poetry, to be outside and get some excercise. I feel like I’m stuck somewhere between intravert and extravert, and don’t have the time to be either.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t feel up to assigning worth to people - because each of the above is really about people - about Bethany, David, my church family, my dear friends, myself - how can I say one is more important than the other? most often, I simply don’t leave that time to myself, but I’m not convinced that’s the best solution.

one conversation with David led to a lot of thought on my part, and now, I just feel overwhelmed.

so, I’m still here. I’m back. well, I’ve been around. I’d been doing a fairly decent job of staying on top of this blog-thing, but the last couple of days have been one whirlwind after another. the lull between these crazy times has been filled with things like reading poetry and… well, I haven’t had that much spare time. =)

a quick recap, lest you think you’re lucky enough not to have to read about the last few days:

Thursday -

Friday -

Saturday -

Sunday -

Monday (yesterday) -

so, there it is. I need to get back to work - I’ve been writing this throughout the afternoon waiting for the tech guys to fix the various things I’ve found that don’t work as I try to finish up this assignment. it’s a good way to keep busy. =)

Nate-Dogg Becker came to our church’s Wednesday night meeting to give a little presentation on his upcoming missionary work. Bethany and I baked a cake for the occasion and iced it (very beautifully, I might add - swirls, thick icing… mmm mmmmm!), then Beth wrote something encouraging (I forget what) in decorative icing… it was quite the cake. but it stayed in my car all day, and so by the time church rolled around, all of the icing was liquid and there were no more words. oops. =) at least it all got eaten.

we (four of us) sang an old hymn from the hymnal - simple arrangement where we sang parts for the first verse, last verse, and all the choruses, verse 2 with just the 2 women and verse 3 with just the 2 men. our voices really match - the four of us - and there’s something beautiful about singing in tune… so the hymn had a quaint charm. on the last chorus, Pastor Tom had all (us and the congregation) sing together. looking out from the front of the room over a sea of faces - black, white, filipina, mexican, lithuanian - all raising their voices in song… it was almost like a little glimpse of heaven.

so, Nate got up and did his thing. I hope that turns out to be something profitable for him - that it helps him raise the support he needs, prayer or financial. it was so good to see him again (possibly for the last time) before he leaves for Davau (in the southern part of the Philippines). it’s been exciting to watch him grow into this desire to do mission work. he’s got an amazing testimony (don’t we all in some way? God is so good!) and is so willing to follow God’s leading! I’m glad for him that he’s finally found a place, a way in which to minister and to serve.

I don’t get family reunions. well, I don’t get why they’re so great.

here’s why: I reason inductively.

so here’s my specific experience (here’s how my family works): we are all spread about the country [world] and so getting together is a very intentional thing, but on a very personal level. necessarily. (and luckily! it’s much better to get to spend time with folks one family at a time so that you can really have meaningful dialogue. there’s only so much satisfaction in repeating your “news” over and over again.)

we plan long car trips or we plan visits with family into vacations. because we’re so split apart geographically, we *can’t* come together even *once* a year, let alone three or four times a year. so I don’t know my cousins very well at all. I don’t even know their middle names; only because of some fluke (we were all born in January or June, same days each month) I can guess at birthdays. but don’t ask me ages. =)

I love my aunts and uncles. especially those who’ve made the effort to get to know us. I like that in my family, I know who my *real* family is and who my “relatives” are. it’s a good lesson for a child (and for an adult) about the difference between earthly families and heavenly families. and it makes a person realize that even at the most basic levels, the only relationships that mean anything are the ones that you work at. being related by blood is NOT being family.

so, I like the sound of all the “folks” getting together, I guess. and I’m not saying that the way someone else’s family works isn’t good. but a mi, I’d much rather have the select few than the whole clan.

stories… they’re not something that we outright accept as truth because, like I was talking about yesterday, they don’t fit into the enlightenment/emperical way of thinking.

I’ve come to think that stories can be more truthful than facts. sometimes you ask a question that can be answered with two words but you’ll get a story in response and that story does a better job of answering that question than *any* two words could have. I like a decisive answer. I like it when you answer my question exactly and concisely - my brain knows what to do with facts. but tonight, I was reminded that facts aren’t always the best answers.

Jesus taught in parables… always, says Matthew 13:34. anytime he had some truth to communicate to the crowds, to the pharisees, to the disciples, he spoke in stories. stories can circumvent the guard of intellect, and so speak a more whole, a more complete truth to the heart. by conveying truth in stories, Jesus was engaging whole selves rather than just intellects or just emotions.

anyway, food for thought. it’s late and I’m driving 9 hours tomorrow (mom’s birthday is Friday the 16th, so I’m going to surprise her by showing up in PA Friday morning). in other news, the water works fine once again. that said, g’night and peace out.

TheoCenTriC: Songs from the Heart: Emotions in the Psalms

for a while, I went to this Thursday night Bible study at College Park, a big praise-barn out here. while not buying into the church at all, I found this satellite group to be amazingly Christ-centered and theologially challenging. this was all due to the leader of the group, an unusual pastor named Rich Vincent. he’s gone - pastoring a small, mission-minded church in CT, but still maintains his website, TheoCenTriC. I like what he has to say, and I liked learning from this dramatic, dynamic preacher.

so, this article. this is just some random sermon/essay he’s written, but it touched a few sensitive chords. I struggle with emotions… not in the I-can’t-control-my-emotions-because-I’m-female way, but in an I-don’t-understand-them-and-therefore-shy-away-from-them way… reading this brought back to mind some things I have thought about and finally dismissed as unimportant… the kicker of a line was this:

“To close part of ourselves to God is to fail to worship God truly and fully.”

this article was a good read - made me think. it talks about how evangelicals swing from one side to the other on the issue of emotionalism. either we’re wildly emotional or we’re stoic…

emotions are weird things. they don’t quite fit in with “enlightenment” thinking… since our world is based on enlightenment thinking - logic and reason - it’s hard to find a place for emotion without giving it full sway… I’ve consistently erred on the side of stoicism, thinking it would be better than losing control in some way (because all strong emotions involve a loss of control)… this article got me considering (once again - this has been a long-time struggle for me) my position… to find a balance always seemed ideal, but not necessarily important as long as I wasn’t “losing control” - but if, as Rich says, to close off emotional me is to fail to worship fully…

hmm. things to think about. what about you? any thoughts after reading the article?

proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but when dreams come true,
there is life and joy.

C.S.Lewis on vulnerability:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you will be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love is hell.”

… thought about that today.